Full Moons, Journey, and Fires

Full Moons, Journies, and Fire

 

Last Night’s Ponderings

While having another dance with insomnia, I’m taking in the beautiful full moon. It brings forth feelings of warmth and positive changes, as I gaze upon it with tired eyes and body. Yet, I am at peace, my heart as full as the orb is of light. It’s often said that in order to fully appreciate life, we must know the side of suffering as well. Otherwise, how could we truly be thankful for the moments of beauty? Continue reading

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Feelings and Silence

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Song: Silent All These Years, Tori Amos
Mood: Emotional

Feelings are a natural part of who I am. Being called overly sensitive and emotional became my norm very early on.

I was the little girl watching The Never-Ending Story with my fourth-grade classmates and tears were streaming down my face. They were all excited and entertained. They thought I was weird and couldn’t understand why I was so “sad.”  They couldn’t possibly know the reason I was crying was because I felt Atreyu’s pain when his horse, Artax, died in the swamps of sadness. I was feeling every moment as Sebastian was running from his bullies, as I looked around the room to the bullies that tormented me every day because I was different. There was no way I could explain how moved I was by the very concept of that movie, how powerfully it impacted me when I got the underlying message it was trying to teach – that we all have the power to choose a name for what needs to be identified in our lives.  Continue reading

It broke, Adenomyosis, and surgery?

Song: Torn by David Armand & Natalie Imbruglia
Mood: Ouch.

After suffering for the last 3 years, with things gradually getting worse, I may finally have an answer.  The new specialist I’m seeing (who is fantastic btw), thinks strongly that what I’m dealing with is Adenomyosis, which is in the Endo family.  In a nutshell, the endo tissue builds up within the walls of my uterus, instead of attaching the scar tissue pretty much everywhere else outside of my uterus.   Continue reading

Hope is My Hero Cape

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I come to this table as a well-seasoned warrior with battle scars and memories of the many fights I have fought and overcome. I was blessed with a stubborn refusal to give in and succumb when challenges present themselves. Some may call this resilience or a survival personality type. I’ve also read that it can be considered a growth versus fixed mindset. Regardless of the title, the point is that I don’t give in or give up. There have been many times where I was crawling on my hands and knees, or clutching my gut from an unexpected life sucker-punch, but I’ve kept going. I knew there was something better, something more than the environment I had grown up in. I chose to thrive.

Then I started hurting. The pain started off quietly, happening only during my monthly cycle and manageable with a heating pad and some rest. I chalked it up to being in my very late 30’s/early 40’s and bringing four children into the world. I figured the parts were simply starting to get rusty. Then the pain started to happen more often, catching me off guard.  It was still mostly manageable with over-the-counter pain medicine and moving a little slower. Continue reading

Remembering

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So far in my 41 years of existence, there are three moments that will always be imprinted in my mind.  I remember exactly where I was, and what I was doing when they occurred.

1.)  January 28th, 1986 – The Challenger Space Shuttle blew up.
I was 11 years old and we were watching the launch of the shuttle in our classroom. There was a ton of excitement for us all because watching tv in our class was rare and seeing the huge tv cart get rolled in was a big deal. The teachers were excited because of a fellow teacher that was taking her first trip to space, representing teachers everywhere. I recall counting down loudly in a new years eve style as the shuttle launched, watching it begin it’s flight and then being hit with my first real sense that things can go horribly wrong in a matter of moments. We watched in shock as the shuttle exploded. I will never forget.

2.)  September 11th, 2001 – The day the Twin Towers were destroyed.
I was sleeping in that morning at home, enjoying a day off from work with my at-the-time fiance. My phone started ringing shortly after 9 am and I ignored it. Then as it persisted, I answered to the voice of our mutual friend sounding very somber as he told me to turn on the tv. I remember being annoyed at first as I located my remote and clicked on our local news channel. Then I sat down in complete horror and shock as my brain and eyes tried to process the images that were being shown.

My coworkers were experiencing it from an even more horrific side as we worked for UUNet, as network engineers that supported a huge amount of the Internet connectivity across the globe at that time. Some of them were on the phone with onsite techs doing remote work for us, when suddenly they said they had to go because something was happening in the building but they didn’t know what was going on. Others actually listened as people were starting to scream on the other end of the line. They all watched on the big screen tv’s that monitored all of the critical outages as swiftly one by one, all of the network connectivity went down in that part of New York. They watched the main tv as it broadcasted live, in stunned silence and horror as their eyes and brains processed the very same thing I was while sitting on my bed in my home. I will never forget.

3.) April 21, 2016 – The Day Prince Died.
I was a huge fan of Prince since I first listened to ‘Raspberry Beret’ and ‘Little Red Corvette’. My soul was hit by the real power of music when I heard ‘Purple Rain’ for the first time, and I discovered how deeply moving a song can be. I bought every tape and CD when they came out. For every moment of joy, sadness, love, and real life that I may have been going through at the time – there is always a certain song by Prince that comes on and immediately takes me back to that moment in time. Many times, I would be singing the lyrics, “How can you just leave me standing, alone in a world that’s so cold” with tears running down my face as I tried to heal from yet another betrayal, or lost love. He was a major part of my history.

I was getting into my car after my hair appointment at the salon. I was in a great mood and feeling fantastic after another fun session with my sister-in-law who is amazing at her job as a master hair stylist and colorist. I turned on my car and immediately heard the words streaming from the speakers as the radio DJ said, “We are in complete shock as we have just found out that an Icon of our time, Prince, has passed away at his home this morning. Details have yet to be released as to what has happened, but it has been confirmed that he has died.’  It was the same familiar punch that hits you square in the gut, almost taking your breath away. Then they started playing ‘Purple Rain’ while I proceeded to try and drive home, intermittently sobbing and struggling between feeling foolish that I was this impacted as well as feeling like a major part of my own history was now gone. I will never forget.

I am convinced that moments like this change us on a world-wide scale. When the shuttle exploded, sadness was felt across the world. When almost 3000 people lost their lives on 09/11, a wave of pain, grief, and rage swept across the world.  When Prince passed away, the entire world went purple for a few days as we all grieved the loss of true talent.

As today marks 15 years since the horrible tragedy of 09/11, I think it’s safe to say we will never forget as a whole either.

Blessings and Remembering,
Heather D.

A ‘No-Spoons’ Kind of Day

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Today has been a particularly rough day.  I awoke after a full night’s rest, feeling like I was already on an empty tank. Drained, sluggish, almost as if I’m drugged, while also dealing with the brain fog that makes it impossible to think clearly.  Ah yes, and very little appetite. The only positive is that I’m graced with little to no pain. I think that’s most likely because I’d throw a worse tantrum than a small child having to leave the playground when they aren’t ready.  It would get ugly, so very ugly. Continue reading

Speakers, Spiders, and a Massage

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It’s been a few weeks and I’ve learned and experienced more than I can probably share on one blog post.  Here are the highlights.

1. Loud music at a concert can cause a pain flare.
I found this out personally at a blues concert that we attended two weeks ago.  We were enjoying the rock and blues magic of Laith Al-Saadi in his stomping grounds of Ann Arbor.  I was in heaven as my soul soared to the sounds of a shredding blues guitar, bass lines, keyboard, and drums. My husband was not quite on the same level as me due to being fairly squished in his seat and having a 6’8″ not-so-friendly giant sitting behind him.  The best part of the evening was beholding pure joy, excitement, and happiness from Laith’s family and friends that were there to support him. It was one of his first concerts back in A2, after his run on the tv show”The Voice” and it was amazing to witness. Continue reading